Do you get an occasional headache? Does your back or shoulder act up now and then? Like millions of Americans, you have probably suffered for years from a previously unnamed condition known as MAP (minor aches and pains).

Yes, finally, there’s not only a disease name for this dread condition, but a treatment for it: MORTIFY ™ (2-acetoxybenzoic acid), the little beige pill with the big profit margin from your friends and family at AstroLucre  Pharmaceuticals.

Why MORTIFY ™?

MORTIFY™ is different from the dozens of meds you’re already combining now, such as aspirin, NSAIDs like Naproxen,  and even your Best Friend Forever, OxyContin (oxycodone). That’s because MORTIFY ™ takes advantage of a recent organic chemical breakthrough, known as Yellow Valence ™, which was originally discovered by government researchers using your tax dollars. For your benefit, this breakthrough has been PRIVATIZED™ by the good folks at AstroLucre.

Yellow Valence™ combines the power of morphine with the speed of methamphetamine directly into your brain’s dendrites and axons to kill, kill, kill that pain! And unlike with other, weaker painkillers like Fentanyl, there’s no messy myelin sheath.

How can MORTIFY help me?

Freed from the chains of MAP, you can Live the Life You Have Imagined. Achieve the goals that you and your family never dared hope you could actually reach because of MAP…thanks to MORTIFY™ !!

People between the ages of two and 98 who have taken MORTIFY™ have reported frequent cases of Plague, Smallpox, Pancreatic Cancer, and Leprosy. Symptoms have included unbearable itching and excruciating pain inside both eyeballs

With the help of MORTIFY™, you can once again enjoy even the smallest everyday things you used to be able to do, such as that special, quiet moment alone in your backyard with loved ones.

Do not take MORTIFY™ if you have ever sneezed, suffered from any  common childhood illness such as chicken pox or measles, or had an earache. Even tiny doses of MORTIFY™ have been known to cause instantaneous cardiac arrest in those between the ages of 11 and 73.

Now every day of your life can hold new pleasure and meaning for you and every member of the family. Finally, a chance to live a few hours—or even days—longer. Coming soon: MORTIFY™ for Dogs Who Need to be Put Down.

Terminal cases of Ebola, beheadings by radical jihadists, inoperable malignant brain tumors, and drownings in Tsunamis have been reported by numerous patients who took MORTIFY ™ twice or more. If you experience unbearable and indescribable spinal pain from head to toe for longer than sixteen hours after taking MORTIFY ™, be sure to contact a physician immediately.

Special thanks to Pinelawn Memorial Gardens for their unique contribution to the clinical trials.

AstroLucre Pharmaceuticals would like to thank all of the selfless MAP sufferers who gave their lives for the sake of science and price-to-earnings ratios during the clinical trials of MORTIFY ™

Note: You cannot purchase MORTIFY™ at a lower cost from Canada, nor can its price be negotiated downward for you and millions of others by your Medicare plan, thanks to the Medicare Modernization Act of 2003.

Are you sick and tired of prescription drug ads similar to this satirical ad for a fictional drug? The pharmaceutical industry spends an estimated $4.5 billion per year on the real ads, fueling the increasing cost of drugs.

Consumer ads for prescription drugs were long ago outlawed almost everywhere. Today, they’re legal in just two countries: The US and New Zealand.

Good news: The American Medical Association just recently voted to ban Direct to Consumer Advertising of prescription drugs. Now it’s up the the FDA to act. You can contact the FDA here.

–Jeff Fox